Smoker's Anonymous
by Kotetsu T. Kaburagi
Summary: Wolfwood has always been a smoker and Vash has always loved donuts Right? Well, what happens when the insurance girls decide they've had enough? It's Bernardelli vs. bad habits in this comedic little one-shot. (Geeze I suck at summaries) T.T


Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. But I do own a Vash shrine. .

Smoker's Anonymous

By: J-chan

For probably the millionth time in his life, Nicholas D. Wolfwood lit up another cigarette and took a long puff from it. At about the same time, the tall brunette to his left snatched it out of his mouth and stubbed it out on the ground. He turned and gave her an incredulous look.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" He yelled.

"Nicholas!! Watch your language mister!!" Milly shouted and grabbed him by the ear.

She dragged him down the hall past a surprised vash, and headed for the bathroom. Vash grinned mischeiviously and followed the pair to see what was up. When he reached the bathroom he heard sounds of distress coming from inside the room, and when he opened the door he beheld Milly struggling madly to stuff a bar of soap into Wolfwood's mouth. Wolfwood Reached out a desperate hand to vash.

"Tongari, help me!! Get this sadistic she-devil off of meee!!"

"Sorry pal, you do the crime you pay the price."

Vash waved and walked away as Wolfwood screamed after him about Needle-noggined traitors and the like. He couldn't help but imagine just how cutethe twowould be as a married couple, and he grinned widely as images of Wolfwood taking out the trash and doing the laundry and dishes flashed through his mind. As he rounded the corner he collided with Meryl and knocked her on her butt. She shot up from the floor and glared daggers at him.

"Vash! Watch where you're going you big lunk head!!" She screeched.

"Oh, I'm sorry Meryl. Are you ok?" He asked.

Without giving him an answer, Meryl left the hallway in a huff. For a few moments Vash wondered what could be her problem, before a large crash was heard from the bathroom, and Wolfwood came tearing down the hallway past the startled gunman, foaming at the mouth and yelling "INJUSTICE!!" as he ran. Not far behind him stampeded Milly full intent on capturing him and completing his 'punishment'. Fortunately for Wolfwood Vash convinced Milly to leave him alone, and then the blonde got an idea. He got a wonderful idea. He whispered his wonderful idea to Milly and she beamed with happiness. Wolfwood was getting a little worried, especially because of the looks he was getting from Milly, and it made him a little nervous.

"NICHOLAS WAKE UP!!"

Wolfwood leapt out of bed scared Shitless and thinking that they were being invaded. He grabbed his cross, completely forgetting his lack of clothing, and ran into the main room. He realized very quickly his mistake.

"WHAA!!? MR. WOLFWOOD PUT SOME PANTS ON!!!!" Meryl cried covering up her eyes.

"I knew that cross was to compensate for something." Vash chuckled under his breath.

Milly however was forced to run to the bathroom for tissues because she had one of the worst nosebleeds of her life.

"Milly, are you ok?" Meryl said and followed her.

This left only Vash and one very confused and very naked Wolfwood in the room alone. Vash laughed and turned away blushing. Wolfwood looked at him with a mixture of confusion and anger.

"And just what the hell is so funny?!" He roared.

"Oh, nothing....It's just so....small."

And with that the outlaw took off running with Wolfwood hot on his heels. Having nowhere else to go Vash headed for his room and started to lock the door, but before he could Wolfwood battered the door down and to Vash's surprise, jumped on him and pinned him down. Vash screamed.

"AAAHHH GET OFF OF ME, YOU'RE NAKED!!!!!!" He began to flail about.

"Uh uh. I wanna see just what makes me smaller than you." Wolfwood retorted.

He began to undo the buttons on Vash's coat. Vash screamed and wailed, and kicked and fought, and Wolfwood had just managed to get his coat off, when Milly and Meryl walked in the door. Meryl's eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted, while her partner excused herself to go get more tissues, seeing as how her nosebleed had started up again. Vash took that opportunity to push Wolfwood off of himself and, grabbing his coat, he stepped over Meryl and fled the room to ensure Milly that it 'wasn't what it looked like'. Wolfwood sat up and went back to his room to put some clothes on. They had defintely had enough excitement for one morning.

When he was fully clothed and his personal hygeine was taken care of, Wolfwood went back into the family room and found his companions had recovered somewhat. Meryl still shot him disgusted glares, but she did that anyway so it wasn't much of a difference. He turned to Milly who was busy making pancakes.

"So Milly, what was it that you wanted to tell me before...the chaos?"

"Oh, I just wanted to let you know that I've enrolled you in a smoker's anonymous class, and that we'll be attending it today at noon." She smiled. "I'm going to do everything in my power to help you quit this horrible habit whether you like it or not."

Having said her peice she turned around and finished up with breakfast. Wolfwood's face went pale. How could she expect him to just up and quit something he had been doing since he was twelve?! It was madness! That was like telling Vash he had to quit eating donuts-Wait a minute....It was perfect! The perfect plan to get revenge on Vash for his comment earlier. He directed his attention toward the blonde and formed a mischievious smile.

"All right Milly, I'll do it. On one condition."

"Yes?" She asked.

"I'll do it if Vash gives up donuts."

Upon hearing this Vash spluttered in his orange juice spraying it everywhere. He looked up at Wolfwood with pleading eyes.

"You can't do this!! I'm sorry about the size comment earlier, but please don't take my donuts away! Please reconsider Wolfwood! Have mercy!!" Vash was all but crying at this point.

"Geeze Tongari, they're just donuts." Wolfwood couldn't understand the man's infatuation with the doughy food.

"I think it's a good idea." Meryl piped up. "It'll teach that no good broom-head some self control, and we'll have more money without having to buy him donuts everyday."

"Then it's settled!" Milly said. "Mr. Vash will quit donuts, and Nicholas will quit smoking."

"This is gonna be worst few months of my life." Wolfwood muttered.

"Speak for yourself." Vash groaned.

Over the next few months as Wolfwood had put it, the two men were going through veritable hell. Wolfwood was constantly flipping the top of a lighter open and closed, and the sound of it made Meryl want to pull her hair out by the roots. Meanwhile Vash had taken to chewing the ends of his gloves to satiate his donut cravings, and it was costing even more than donuts were to replace the leather gloves he bit holes in. The smoker's and donut eater's anonymous classes were really helping, but every once in a while the girls would catch Wolfwood with a cigarette, or vash with a donut, and the problem would be dealt with. Soon enough though it worked. Wolfwood didn't sneak anymore cigarettes and there was not a donut crumb to be found on Vash. Everything was perfect. Or so the girls thought.

One night Milly and Meryl were awakened to noises coming from Vash's room so they went to investigate. Upon opening the door they saw Vash and Wolfwood loading up a huge stash of their favorite items: Donuts and Cigarettes. As soon as they spotted the girls they both cursed in unison and jumped out of the window with their spoils. The girls watched in shock as the two hoodlums made off into the night on Wolfwood's motorcycle. From the bike Vash flashed them the love and peace sign then stuck his tongue out. Milly turned to her friend.

"Where did we go wrong Meryl? I thought they didn't like that stuff anymore."

"Well Milly, just goes to show you you can never expect men to be smart enough to listen to reason."

"Do you think they'll come back?"

"Once they run out of money. It's a known fact that men just can't survive without women around to help them out."

"Amen to that!"

OWARI

I want to apologize to Mr. Wolfwood and hisfansfor what I wroteabout him. "GomenNick." I kinda felt that this had a slight shonen-ai feel to it, but I was on the verge of writing a yaoi for Adult and well, I'm sorry if I offended any one. On a lighter note however, I had fun writing this and I hope you'll all read and enjoy. J-chan


End file.
